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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Oh, and btw, I’ve gotta mention some lesser-known secrets. In the back alley of Vista Hermosa, there's a graffiti mural that changes colors with the sun. Really, seriously, it's not on any tourist list so keep it hush! And let me be honest – sometimes the city makes me mad! Like when the old tram in El Rastro keeps rattling at 5am, spoilin' my sleep. Dude, it’s enough to make ya wanna smash your keyboard, no kidding!

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